I've been trying to come up with a reason to use this hilarious play on words as a subject for something for quite a while now, and I think the following should suit the subject well enough. My friend Nick just got a job at the same pizza place I work at, and he called me a few nights ago to tell me about having just finished reading the delivery driver's manual. Of course, the first thing I replied to this information was, "You actually read that shit?" I admit that I did look over it when I was first handed it as well, but I certainly didn't read all 26 pages. Boy, was I dumb. I have no more to say on the subject, really. I will allow a few excerpts from the manual to speak for themselves.
On Arriving Prepared.
"CLEAN CAR. Good image builds tips. Also, clean windows and headlights can make for safer driving."
"STRONG SPOTLIGHT. Some drivers find that a spotlight helps in reading numbers on mailboxes and porches."
"WRIST WATCH, or clock in your car, that's set to the same time as the clock in the restaurant. Used for computing delivery time."
"NON-COMPANY JACKET OR SHIRT in the car. If you're involved in an accident, it may be helpful to remove your company shirt and hat (also the car sign) to avoid bringing attention to yourself."
On Safe Driving
"Drive calmly and with positive feelings. Driving with tension or anger can increase the chance of an accident. Leave personal problems and tension outside the car. ...Also, if you play music, listen to slow, relaxing music- not hard rock- as slower music promotes calmness and safe driving."
On Impressing Customers and Earning Tips
"Do the extra, nice gesture."
"Compliment something. If a child or pet comes to the door with the Customer, say something nice about them."
"Give their pooch a pet treat. The beloved family Fido is always a part of the delivery transaction (about 40 percent of pizza buyers own a dog). After handing a Customer the food, but before they give you payment, offer them a dog biscuit for their excited canine. This is a major tip-builder. HINT: Carry the biscuit in a plastic baggie- as it looks more sanitary and appealing."
On Receiving Payment
"NOTE: Many customers will tip after receiving their change. So, don't try to force a tip by stalling and fumbling with coins. It only angers people and causes them to withhold a tip."
On Basic Safety
"Glance at the back seat before getting into your car, to make sure no robber is waiting."
On Invitation to Come in from Customer
"For security and liability reasons, you should never step into a Customer's residence. If someone invites you to come in, say, 'Thank you. It's very thoughtful of you to ask me in, but the company requires that I stay outside.'"
On Additional Precautions for High Security Delivery
"When sidewalk conditions allow, RUN from your car to the Customer's door. A running person looks purposeful and in-control, which discourages robbers. It also leaves less time for a robbery. In conclusion, don't appear lost or scared, but act confident and like you know what you're doing. Robbers don't like approaching confident-looking people."
"After you've completed the sales transaction, say to the Customer 'Would you watch me to my car, please.' Customers are willing to do it if asked. Then RUN to your car."