Friday, December 06, 2013


Hi there. I only just now realized that I put a link to a blog that I rarely, if ever, post on in a book that just came out that has an article that I wrote. So, if you're here after reading the Tour Sucks book, welcome! And hi.. again. Most of these blog posts are years and years old. I got really into the blogosphere about six or seven years ago, and then got over it just as fast. I got really sick of having to explain or apologize for my posts to friends I'd see at the bar a few nights after I'd post something, or having to retell or give someone a complete history of the facts that led up to a post-in-question, so I kind of just stopped posting blogs. Here I am complaining about people actually being interested enough in what I was writing to ask me about it, but hey, what can you do? Plight of the asshole. This was also before the advent of social media the way we use it today. Sure, we were leaving bulletins on Myspace and such, but certainly not interacting in the real-time way we do today with Facebook, Twitter, etc.

A lot of what I write/wrote here is true to life, real stories of things that happened to me. On the other hand, I tend to fictionalize a bit as necessary. As an author, that is my wont and I feel no obligation to inform the reader either way when I post something. Most of the time it's fairly obvious. So, when a casual acquaintance asks me, "Did that really happen?" in response to a story I posted about BEING SHOT IN THE FACE WITH A SHOTGUN AND DYING on a pizza delivery gone wrong, you can see how I might have gotten a little annoyed and stopped posting things as much. However, there are a lot of things on here that I'm still proud of, and rather than have you wade through the whole goddamned blog to find one or two things that might make you laugh, I've decided to post a few highlights here. If you like 'em, let me know, and I'll start posting here again regularly. Lately, I just submit articles/stories to publications that never write me back, or keep my work confined to Word, where no man (unless you consider the paper clip thing a man) can judge me, until I'm ready to submit it for publication, that is. So, without further ado, please read the following posts and judge/criticize at your leisure. You can always email me directly at, too.

On Stealing My Own Van From an Impound Lot  

Just in case you're wondering, the above post is completely true.

A Series of Haikus I wrote about One Sarah Palin

Sometimes I write poetry. Not really, though.

On Getting My Bike Stuck in a Subway Turnstile

Also true.

On Failing Miserably at a Job Interview

I only wish this wasn't true.

Weird Fiction about Your Eyes

It would probably make sense to say I was doing a lot of acid at the time I wrote this, but I wasn't. No excuses.

On the History of Comedy

Bill Cosby invented comedy.

The Unfiltered Reaction to Coming Home to My Cat Being Mercilessly Slaughtered on My Kitchen Floor

This one got the cops called on me.

On Writing in Code and Puzzle

There actually is a hidden message in this post. I don't remember what it is.

On Dennis Madalone

I'm still proud of this one.

On My Trials and Tribulations at Carmax

This post won me $200. I suppose I should be proud of that, but I'm not.

On the Creation of a Fake Myspace Page and Corporate Espionage

This is one of those posts that people really thought was real, and got me more phone calls, emails, and texts than I'd care to recall. Don't bother clicking the link at the bottom- it's not there anymore. Myspace, ha!

On Quitting A Job Based On The Advice of Birds

True as fuck.


So, there you have it.  A brief history and a look back through some of my biggest hits as a blogger.  I welcome your questions, comments, and publishing contracts. Thanks for reading, and if any of what you've seen above makes you question whether what you read in Tour Sucks is true or not, know this: you can't make that kind of stuff up. Consider that story my first piece of music journalism.

1 comment:

JustMe said...

I love reading your stories. I disagree that the blogosphere is dead. Maybe not as active but not dead. Current social media doesn't allow for this. It limits the writer. I wish I was a writer or had at least half the stories to tell. My stories are morbid to say the least and disgusting at best. Not funny or charming as I find yours.