Friends and Compatriots!

For all my friends from Myspace- my goddamn site has been hijacked and hacked. Maybe I'll get it back, and maybe I won't. Until further events warrant the answer, I shall remain close-lipped. Just prepare yourselves. That's all I'll say.

This is the business, and y'all ain't gettin' nothin' for free.

What is most feared has now become reality. I will return soon, with much aplomb, accolade, and machismo. This, to you, I vow. No one is reading this.

HP stands for Helpful Percy.

Copied below is an actual copy of an actual conversation I had online with an HP representative a few weeks ago when I was drunk. Good people, those HP'ers. I tried to draw him (or her, I'm not sure) out, but to no avail. Professionalism all the way with those people. Salt of the earth, those people! Those people- wow! Helpful, but not personable. And that's what I expect in a computer problem setting. "Take care of my problem, and then kindly fuck off, no matter what I say." Fix my computer, and then kiss my ass. That's why I bought the computer. So you can be subservient to me. Because I bought my computer from the company that you work for. BE SUBSERVIENT TO ME! As a consumer, I DEMAND it, even if I'm drunk!

Chat Transcript Begins Here.

Percy-Hello Jonathan.

jonathan pool- hello..

Percy- Welcome to HP Total Care for Pavilion Notebooks. My name is Percy. How may I assist you today?

jonathan pool-thank you for your courtesy..

jonathan pool- um..

jonathan pool- when i plug in my computer, the screen goes dim. when i unplug it, it gets bright.

Percy- Okay. Could you let me know the following System Information. Serial Number : Model Number : Product Number : The Model, Product and Serial numbers are located on the bottom of the notebook on a white sticker.

jonathan pool- hp pavilion zv6270us

jonathan pool- is that sufficient?

Percy- Yes,that's sufficient.

Percy- Could you please give me a couple of minutes to work on the issue?

jonathan pool- absolutely.

Percy- Thank you.

jonathan pool- Percy, for you, anything.

Percy- Thank you for your time Jonathan.

jonathan pool- Thank you!

Percy- To resolve this issue you need to adjust the Brightness of the display.

jonathan pool- Okay.

Percy- I would like to inform you that the brightness of the screen can be adjust by pressing the following keys Fn + F7 - To decrease the brightness Fn + F8 - To increase the brightness.

jonathan pool- Genius!

jonathan pool- Question..

Percy- You have to increase the brightness when the AC adapter is plugged in the wall socket.

jonathan pool- Is there any particular reason why the notebook would have switched the way it did?

jonathan pool- Because, before, it was doing the opposite.

jonathan pool- i.e., bright when plugged in and vice versa.

Percy- It will only reflect the previous settings.

jonathan pool- How do you mean?

Percy- The setting will be saved for every time they are changed.

jonathan pool- That's what I'm not sure of, because I didn't change any settings.

jonathan pool- So you're saying that if I make the screen dim when it's unplugged using the fn button, it will go dim the next time I unplug it?

Percy- That's correct.

Percy- Let me explain more that the settings for brightness will be saved by Windows whatever have been configured the last time. So if the brightness is made to minimum when AC power is connected then it reflects the same settings next time when you plug the adapter.

Percy- So Windows will make the appropriate settings for the display when the notebook is connected on battery and on AC adapter.

jonathan pool- Interesting. Might it have anything to do with watching things on real player when it was unplugged? like, does real player maybe default to a brighter setting?


Percy- So I suggest you to increase the brightness ( at plug-in position ) and then disconnect the Adapter. Now plug the adapter to test the results. To increase the brightness use Fn+F8 keys.To decrease the brightness use Fn+F7 keys.

Percy- No.

jonathan pool- Excellent. Thank you so much, Percy. You're the cat's meow. And I mean that!

Percy- Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

jonathan pool- Hmm.. no, I guess not. I'm just wondering how it switched the way it did. No matter, I suppose. Unless you have some insight.

Percy- Are you completely satisfied with our service today?

jonathan pool- More than you know.

Percy- I hope you have found this session helpful and informative. A copy of our Chat session will reach you shortly along with a Survey Questionnaire in 24 hours. Please do take your time to tell us what you think of our service. Our exclusive Owner Services will help keep all of your HP and Compaq products up and running. Please visit our Web site at: http://www.hp.com/home/ownerservices

jonathan pool- How are you doing, though?

Percy- I am doing well.Thank you.

Percy- Have a nice time Jonathan.

jonathan pool- They make you be completely professional, huh? You can't have much candid conversation, can you?

jonathan pool- The overnight shift, eh? Where are you guys? California?

jonathan pool- I'll leave you alone, I swear. Just wondering.

Percy- Yes. We are in California.

jonathan pool- How did I guess?

Percy- Have a nice time!

Chat Transcript Ends Here.

Right here is where I was attempting to apologize to my computer-savvy friend, Percy, for being drunk, but he/she didn't give me the chance. Just cut me off and sent me back to the HP homepage. I can't blame him/her, but I won't lie and say that it didn't sting a little. I'll probably never chat with Percy again, but I hope he/she knows that the job that he/she has is a shitty one where you can't even talk to a customer like a normal human being. Seriously, for the first few lines, I asssumed I was just talking to a computer generated response system. Until I asked questions that revealed otherwise. Although, I could be mistaken. I could've been talking to a robot the entire time. What do I know about technology? I'm sure they have computers smart enough to respond to bullshit questions like mine. I hope that's not the case, though. And, I hope that you, Percy, if you're an actual human being, that you find it in yourself, sooner rather than later, that human interaction is more important than a silly job with computers. I say that, but if I could deliver pizzas with a robot, I'd do it in a second. I hate interacting with strangers.

President Bush Adopts Ebonics During News Conference With Prime Minister Blair in Attempt to Seem "Cool" in Front of "Out of Towners."

If you didn't hear this press conference or think that I'm lying (which I completely understand), go here.

Q Prime Minister, this is possibly your last official visit to Washington as Prime Minister --

PRESIDENT BUSH: Wait a minute. (Laughter.) Back-to-back disses.

Yeah, that's right. Bush said "Back-to-back disses." Speculation suggests that he may have picked up this word after repeated visits to various jails across the country while bailing out his daughters on various drunk driving charges.



And for the President, what will you miss about Tony Blair, and what are you looking for in an eventual replacement?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Hmmm -- I'll miss those red ties, is what I'll miss. (Laughter.) I'll say one thing -- he can answer the question -- don't count him out. Let me tell it to you that way. I know a man of resolve and vision and courage. And my attitude is, I want him to be here so long as I'm the President.

PRIME MINISTER BLAIR: Well, what more can I say? (Laughter.) Probably not wise to say anything more at all. (Laughter.)

Here's something, too: Besides the awkward silence after Blair's last comment, and it was very awkward- seriously, he really did think it wise not to say anything more at all, and so he literally didn't, leaving the room full of reporters waiting blankly to see if he was being serious, a few twitters of nervous laughter here and there- there is an interesting omission from the above transcript, which did come directly from the White House site. I'm telling you- click on the above link and read the transcripts for yourself. It's amazing. In Bush's last sentence, what really aired was, "And my attitude is, I want him to be here so long as I'm the President, which is another 2 1/2 years." Oh, wait. No- the 2 1/2 year comment came from earlier in the press conference when he was talking about being Commander-in-Chief. Whatever. The point is that it's only 1 1/2 more years. Maybe Bush just slipped up again. He's certainly been known for his flubs during speeches, hasn't he, the little scamp?! But, I'll keep the conspiratorial side of me alive, too, and just say to not be surprised if there is some grand mal in the next election that causes Bush to stay in office until 2009 (or beyond!), and if/when that happens, I will gladly take your money, whether it be from a bet we made, or that you have taken me as your personal messiah and savior- either of which I will be glad to oblige you with. Now: go read those transcripts. And wait'll you get to the last two lines. I sense some fan fiction sites popping up after this open-endedness! Steamy!

San Francischronicles, Chapter ∞ .

On the last day of our trip, my camera was dying a slow and painful death. You see, I didn't bring the charger with us, because the charger is also a photo printer, and would have been quite a nuisance to lug around with us the entire time, not to mention the very likely possibility that I would drop and break it at any given point. So, we called Radio Shack to see if they had a charger for my particular model of camera. Of course they did- for only $50! When we got to Radio Shack, I explained to the young man working behind the counter the situation- we were only gonna be in town one more day, and just needed enough of a charge to make it home. I also played it real cool with the kid- let him know I was down. 'You into online gaming? Hell, I'm a 35th level Orc (I really hope I spelled that right.). You into weed? Fuck, let's get high, man! You into social activism? Shit, man, I'll form a picket line behind an "End Road Work" sign! Let's be pals!'

My ultimate coolness and Rebecca's friendly charm (pronounced: cleavage) eventually worked on the kid, who at first denied us due to his unfriendly, old, and uncool boss, but soon he said, "What the hell- I'll do it." Then- a problem. Turns out he didn't really have a charger for my particular model of camera. Turns out they're special order only. So much so, in fact, that not one Radio Shack in the whole of San Francisco had one. Then, an idea occurred to me. About technology. This is never a good sign, and yet I trusted myself again for some reason. I suppose I was simply in an affable mood.

"It says here that this just needs a 5 volt D/C cable. Don't you just have, like, a generic 5 volt plug we could use? That seems like it would work..." The Kid didn't seem too disagreeable with my idea, and so it was done. I knew it would take a while, so I told the Kid that we were going to eat, and we'd be back in about an hour or so to pick up the camera. The Kid said, "Word," we gave each other daps, and I moonwalked right the fuck outta there.

Upon our return from eating at The Yellow Submarine, The Kid played it cool, real cool, as we walked in. "Can I help you guys with anything?" Gulp. "Um...," I said, instantly betraying myself as so not down. We must've looked uncomfortable, because the next thing he said was, "...Or do you just want the camera back?" An audible sigh of relief crossed my lips, and soon he was behind the counter retrieving the camera. "Sweet," I said as he handed it to me. "Now to check the battery.. Huh. That's odd. It actually has less power than when we gave it to you."

The Kid shrugged, bored now with his act of rebellion. I knew it was over. The camera wouldn't even stay on long enough to snap one picture. It clicked on, flashed its red "battery drained- don't even think about it" icon and immediately turned itself right back off.

We walked out of the store, utterly dejected. The Era of Photographs had come to an end for this trip.

Or so we thought!

Now, dear reader, through the ironic use of the very technology that had so recently scorned us, YOU CAN STILL SEE PHOTOGRAPHS FROM THE REST OF OUR TRIP!

REAL PHOTOGRAPHS AWAIT!

DRIVING DOWN HWY 101 IN OUR RENTED DODGE NEON TO HALF MOON BAY!!


OUR FABULOUS HOTEL ROOM AT COMFORT INN IN HALF MOON BAY! THANK YOU, DEB!
PERCHED PRECARIOUSLY CLOSE TO THE EDGE OF A BREATHTAKING CLIFF AT HALF MOON BAY!

THIS COUPLE SENT ME A COPY OF THIS PHOTOGRAPH TAKEN AT A BEACH IN HALF MOON BAY! THEY UNDERSTOOD OUR DILEMMA, AND EVEN THOUGH THEY SPOKE VERY LITTLE ENGLISH, THE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE OF PHOTOGRAPHY WAS OUR BOND, AND THEY WERE MORE THAN HAPPY TO LET US SHARE A FRAME WITH THEM!

THEN WE WENT TO THE REAL MOON!!

A fitting end.

Note from the Editor: Due to the moratorium on doing any writing of any kind, especially as concerns blogging OR audioblogging (See "Ethics and Etiquette: An Author's Guide to Not Being Really, Really Lame and Embarrassing Oneself in front of One's Peers," Sec. 8, Par. 3, Clause 2, Subsection 6), while under the strange, cold, and careless hand of intoxication, whether intentional or not, this post has been forever removed from this blog, and all further conversation or thread-starting on other websites shall hereby cease forthwith. No questions or comments shall be directed toward the Author concerning this decision, as it was not his to make, and besides, any endeavor in this direction would only prove futile, as the Author has signed a sealed affidavit stating that he has absolutely no memory of posting the offending blog, even though the authoring of it spanned the course of 6 hours, not to mention 4 states.

Thank you.

San Francischronicles, Chapter 9.

Lombard Street. I drove our rental car down this stretch of madness to prove my worth as a San Franciscan driver, wondering all the while why it was that I felt nervous and inadequate in attempting to manipulate this crazy road. Then I realized that I should not be the one feeling weird and insecure about myself- it's the fucking engineer of this road that should! What kind of insecure city planner would put the residents of this particular street through the daily misery of having to navigate this monstrosity? I imagine it must have been some sort of personal vendetta- perhaps the person in question was beaten by his drunken father repeatedly on this street, and hoped to design a road that would eventually kill him in his state of inebriation. Either that, or some weird Oedipal thing that I haven't quite been able to surmise yet.

At Chrissy Fields. Rebecca's nonplussed look likely comes from the fact that I was probably complaining about something- the kite flyer's lack of form in the distance, the fact that I was really, really tired, or that "this picture would be so much cooler if the bridge was on fire."

SEE?!?

At Baker Beach. We're European!


"Zees art, zees life- ees stupid. Een my homelahnd, een Gearmany, we live life dat ees real. Zees- Zhees is all illusion. Fake American boolshit. Would that I hang myself with rope from zees picture."

At Seal Rock, where not one seal was to be found. Unless seals have wings and shit on your car while you're driving. Man, how awesome would that be...


Sleepytime at Seal Rock.

TELESCOPIC ART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another house Rebecca grew up in. The man in the top left corner of the photo was quite perturbed that someone was standing directly outside his front gate, and by the time we left, he had moved into the kitchen window directly above Rebecca with an economy sized jar of giffelte fish and was ready to hurl them at us loiterers had we been there much longer.. Our exuent was hasty. Though, if Shaw was here, Creed's "Arms Wide Open" might have blared from somewhere off in the distance and good times would likely have ensued.