Tuesday, June 06, 2006

HP stands for Helpful Percy.

Copied below is an actual copy of an actual conversation I had online with an HP representative a few weeks ago when I was drunk. Good people, those HP'ers. I tried to draw him (or her, I'm not sure) out, but to no avail. Professionalism all the way with those people. Salt of the earth, those people! Those people- wow! Helpful, but not personable. And that's what I expect in a computer problem setting. "Take care of my problem, and then kindly fuck off, no matter what I say." Fix my computer, and then kiss my ass. That's why I bought the computer. So you can be subservient to me. Because I bought my computer from the company that you work for. BE SUBSERVIENT TO ME! As a consumer, I DEMAND it, even if I'm drunk!

Chat Transcript Begins Here.

Percy-Hello Jonathan.

jonathan pool- hello..

Percy- Welcome to HP Total Care for Pavilion Notebooks. My name is Percy. How may I assist you today?

jonathan pool-thank you for your courtesy..

jonathan pool- um..

jonathan pool- when i plug in my computer, the screen goes dim. when i unplug it, it gets bright.

Percy- Okay. Could you let me know the following System Information. Serial Number : Model Number : Product Number : The Model, Product and Serial numbers are located on the bottom of the notebook on a white sticker.

jonathan pool- hp pavilion zv6270us

jonathan pool- is that sufficient?

Percy- Yes,that's sufficient.

Percy- Could you please give me a couple of minutes to work on the issue?

jonathan pool- absolutely.

Percy- Thank you.

jonathan pool- Percy, for you, anything.

Percy- Thank you for your time Jonathan.

jonathan pool- Thank you!

Percy- To resolve this issue you need to adjust the Brightness of the display.

jonathan pool- Okay.

Percy- I would like to inform you that the brightness of the screen can be adjust by pressing the following keys Fn + F7 - To decrease the brightness Fn + F8 - To increase the brightness.

jonathan pool- Genius!

jonathan pool- Question..

Percy- You have to increase the brightness when the AC adapter is plugged in the wall socket.

jonathan pool- Is there any particular reason why the notebook would have switched the way it did?

jonathan pool- Because, before, it was doing the opposite.

jonathan pool- i.e., bright when plugged in and vice versa.

Percy- It will only reflect the previous settings.

jonathan pool- How do you mean?

Percy- The setting will be saved for every time they are changed.

jonathan pool- That's what I'm not sure of, because I didn't change any settings.

jonathan pool- So you're saying that if I make the screen dim when it's unplugged using the fn button, it will go dim the next time I unplug it?

Percy- That's correct.

Percy- Let me explain more that the settings for brightness will be saved by Windows whatever have been configured the last time. So if the brightness is made to minimum when AC power is connected then it reflects the same settings next time when you plug the adapter.

Percy- So Windows will make the appropriate settings for the display when the notebook is connected on battery and on AC adapter.

jonathan pool- Interesting. Might it have anything to do with watching things on real player when it was unplugged? like, does real player maybe default to a brighter setting?

Percy- So I suggest you to increase the brightness ( at plug-in position ) and then disconnect the Adapter. Now plug the adapter to test the results. To increase the brightness use Fn+F8 keys.To decrease the brightness use Fn+F7 keys.

Percy- No.

jonathan pool- Excellent. Thank you so much, Percy. You're the cat's meow. And I mean that!

Percy- Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

jonathan pool- Hmm.. no, I guess not. I'm just wondering how it switched the way it did. No matter, I suppose. Unless you have some insight.

Percy- Are you completely satisfied with our service today?

jonathan pool- More than you know.

Percy- I hope you have found this session helpful and informative. A copy of our Chat session will reach you shortly along with a Survey Questionnaire in 24 hours. Please do take your time to tell us what you think of our service. Our exclusive Owner Services will help keep all of your HP and Compaq products up and running. Please visit our Web site at: http://www.hp.com/home/ownerservices

jonathan pool- How are you doing, though?

Percy- I am doing well.Thank you.

Percy- Have a nice time Jonathan.

jonathan pool- They make you be completely professional, huh? You can't have much candid conversation, can you?

jonathan pool- The overnight shift, eh? Where are you guys? California?

jonathan pool- I'll leave you alone, I swear. Just wondering.

Percy- Yes. We are in California.

jonathan pool- How did I guess?

Percy- Have a nice time!

Chat Transcript Ends Here.

Right here is where I was attempting to apologize to my computer-savvy friend, Percy, for being drunk, but he/she didn't give me the chance. Just cut me off and sent me back to the HP homepage. I can't blame him/her, but I won't lie and say that it didn't sting a little. I'll probably never chat with Percy again, but I hope he/she knows that the job that he/she has is a shitty one where you can't even talk to a customer like a normal human being. Seriously, for the first few lines, I asssumed I was just talking to a computer generated response system. Until I asked questions that revealed otherwise. Although, I could be mistaken. I could've been talking to a robot the entire time. What do I know about technology? I'm sure they have computers smart enough to respond to bullshit questions like mine. I hope that's not the case, though. And, I hope that you, Percy, if you're an actual human being, that you find it in yourself, sooner rather than later, that human interaction is more important than a silly job with computers. I say that, but if I could deliver pizzas with a robot, I'd do it in a second. I hate interacting with strangers.


Kristen said...

When you deliver a pizza, do you stare blankly and say, "are you completely satisfied with our service today?"? I really think you should.

Allie D. said...

LOL- that would rock, Kristen.

I used to work customer service that way and you couldn't deviate a second from the script provided. They had responses for almost every scenario. It was freaky and I fucking hated that job.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jonathan, it's Percy. Why haven't you called me back like you promised? I'm sooooooo lonely here. ;) I bought some new panties I can tell you about. Please call me back, I miss you.

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