Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Horoscopes for Ian's Party 2016

Aquarius: January 20- February 18

Your unique and independent spirit will serve you well this weekend, Aquarius. While Neptune's third space-time continuum is in SUPERWANE, be sure to listen to that quietly nagging voice that tells you not to follow your most primal, drunken instincts, which, though having served you well in a past Tinder rendezvous, could be to your detriment on Saturday. That gin and tonic that someone sloshes at you during Sass Dragons' set at Chop Shop may or may not have some leftover oyster juice from the day before "inadvertently" spilled into it. Stick with your absinthe smoothies, you fucking weirdo.

Pisces: February 19- March 19

Pisces, as the Beastie Boys so eloquently said, "First of all, get off the wall. It's time to party, so have a ball." Check your elusive nature at the door, because this is no time to steer clear of all the Facebook friends you've been avoiding IRL the whole year. Use your fanciful, dreamy nature to conjure up new ways to shotgun Pabsts in the bathroom instead of how to escape the Double Door without being seen. Take your head out of the metaphorical clouds and insert it into an actual cloud of the dankest weed smoke in the alley behind Subterranean just for this weekend. It might very well be the social event that keeps you from wandering onto the El tracks after Al Scorch's hauntingly beautiful ballads about the inevitable suffering of the working man sends you spiraling back into the mines of depression. "There's Zoloft in them thar hills!"

Aries: March 20- April 18

Gravity is not your friend this weekend, Aries. With Gorbachev's Belt in full reclusion this month, your chances of maintaining uprightness are very slim, especially when your competitive nature compels you to continually challenge people to foot races up and down the steep staircase at Subterranean on Friday night. Your body's blood becomes stair blood as the sweet sounds of Space Blood send you careening to the ground after several victories, which have made you greedy for more. Why not put that feisty spirit to good use and see who can take the most Malört shots while standing on your head- you or Sam Edgin? Either way, you lose.

Taurus: April 19- May 20

Your persistent nature, though annoying as fuck to everyone that knows you, finally pays off this week, Taurus. After weeks of insisting that you will not pay for even one show on one day of Ian's Party since your band had to open the entire weekend a few years ago in South Barrington, your best friend's uncle dies on Friday afternoon, and she has no choice but to surrender her weekend pass to you as she tearfully boards the train to O'hare. A feather in your cap! Use the money you would have eventually shelled out at the last minute to see The Mons on Sunday to indulge your decadent nature at Chop Shop. Who just bet you that you couldn't eat six Reubens in one sitting? Now's your chance to prove them wrong. But hey, that third sandwich? Dedicate that one to Uncle Bill. It's the least you can do.

Gemini: May 21- June 20

Gemini! Sunspot X522LK9983 flares during Ecuador's last Blood Moon of the decade, leaving you in a  prime position to parlay your charming demeanor into being unofficially crowned King or Queen of Ian's Party. Your usually fickle nature plays to your advantage this week as you pit the members of Nervous Passenger against Sweet Cobra with gossip so juicy that the henhouse won't stop a-cluckin' for months! Apologize after things escalate a bit too quickly, and bask in the afterglow that only comes from solving a problem that you yourself created, as from nothing.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

People always complain that you're overly sensitive, Cancer, but they won't be saying that after you foil a domestic terror plot during Elephant Gun's set on Saturday. You suspected you were just dealing with a bunch of n00bs when you overheard the middle aged suburban couple behind you referring to the marimba as a xylophone, but you got really suspicious when they kept saying things like, "Boy, a good xylophone solo sure does TRUMP a guitar solo, in my opinion. Right, honey?" or, "TRUMPets are so boring, don't you think? They should really hit the xylophone more- reminds me of cartoon skeletons dancing... Speaking of skeletons dancing, we should really leave before he hits that C note for the FOURth time, don't you think, babe?" In all the commotion of nine people loading onto the stage at SubT, no one could have possibly seen a crazed right winger loading up Jon Olson's third of 12 instruments with explosives, but your quick thinking kept an entire city's worth of musicians alive to play another gig. Now, aren't you glad you didn't stay home this weekend, like your other dumb ass horoscope instructed?

 Leo: July 23- August 22

 Leo, you're facing a somber ride in Fortune's Hot Air Balloon of Justice if you follow your normal instincts this weekend. With Jupiter's Terre de Plume in the sixth house of ascension, your constant desire to be the center of attention may bring more focus to your shabbily dressed body than you had previously planned. You see, while it is true that you heard Ditch Club's Frank Okay call for "a karaoke singer up here," what he really asked for was a "Cherry Cokey Slinger up here," which is a high end cocktail that essentially amounts to a Singapore Sling topped off with cherry soda. And though your exuberant confidence usually carries you through and wins the day, this Saturday it wins you an evening in Cook County Jail.

 Virgo: August 23-September 22

Virgo, your meticulous attention to detail served you so well as you created an app for personal use that mined all of your own data to create a perfect Ian's Party schedule just for you. Not only did you program it to include all of your favorite bands, but it also learned and grew to suggest new things for you as it analyzed your tastes. A gentle buzzing on your leg reminded you when it was time to move on to the next venue, and since you built GPS into it as well, you never missed one second of one band that you wanted (or didn't know you wanted) to see. Fuckload of good that did you when you chunked your phone at the bar on Saturday night after the bartender wouldn't serve you that eighth shot of Fireball, eh? Lucky for you- you're a terrible shot and no one got hurt, but for the rest of the weekend you're floating between venues, lost- like a ghost in a mountain valley, not sure what band to see, or when, and the wailing is constant. Go back on Sunday morning and find your phone. (Hint: Check the duct tape on Canadian Rifle's banner.)

Libra: September 23- October 22

 Danger! The sands of the Sahara have shifted to the Northeast, Libra, which calls down the dreaded Tumultuous Typhoon of Tribulation upon your head this weekend, SO BEWARE. You are commonly referred to by your friends as The Diplomat for your uncanny ability to mediate an argument, jovially settle a bet sans the use of Google, and (although distasteful, but effective nonetheless) talk the struggling farmer down in price for organic eggs at Logan Square Farmer's Market. Unfortunately for you, "The Diplomat" is also what the off-duty cop who moonlights as a security guard at Subterranean calls his flashlight.  I should also mention that he refers to the space between his clenched fists as a "mediation-free zone." So, when you see him dumping a full beer on a young man's head for trying to sneak it out of the club while he smokes a cigarette, just remember that some arguments don't need settling.

Scorpio: October 23- November 21

Hermit-like dedication to your secret plan ultimately pays off this week, Scorpio, as the Arctic Tundra descends into madness, as foretold by the Dead Sea Scrolls, lo, these many eons past. Having finally completed your full scale paper-mâché re-creation of all the members of Prizzy Prizzy Please and their instruments, you are simply over the moon when they casually glance and laugh nervously at your unholy creation. Lights flash so brightly inside your eyes when they hand you a CD-R demo they recorded in 2005 (free of charge OMFG!!!!) that you have to find the darkest corner of Double Door and just sit there for hours, sweating and mumbling, until your hand soaks all the way through the paper into which your new CD is folded. The limp home through the warm sewers is a blur.

 Sagittarius: November 22- December 21

The curtains are drawn on Death's Door, Sagittarius, and for that you should be thankful. Your unemotional nature serves you well through the most touching, heartfelt set you've ever seen Cokegoat perform at Chop Shop on Sunday, but try to at least blend in with the rest of the sobbing crowd, who inevitably surge onto the stage and raise the members of the band above their heads, proclaiming them as Godmen. Realize that joyous crowds can turn into ravenous mobs on a dime, so try to at least shed a tear (call up memories of your dead pet sea monkeys if that helps) and try to obtain a chunk of one of the members' hair, lest you be the first sacrificial lamb on the altar to the new Saviors.

Capricorn: December 22- January 19

Caution, Capricorn, as Shame's Bicycle is in full motion on this New Year's Weekend. Use your keen sense of organization to set up a mass square dance during Velocicopter's set on Saturday at Chop Shop. Though many people might shoot you a queer look or, in some cases, even hiss at you for merely approaching them, once everyone is in sync on the huge floor, boot-scootin' their li'l hearts out with smiles as wide as Texas, they'll be glad they listened to you. And YOU'LL be saved the overwhelming embarrassment of being the only one to stomp through the flimsy floor of the club to your own demise in the murky sub cellar of an aging building.  

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